out damned spot ([info]beithe) wrote,
2006-03-03 01:59:00
  • Mood: nauseated
my brain is still in a bad state..
therapy today was really tough.. i'm starting to see all these patterns coming out from way back.. it's very frustrating to be faced with something that's not familiar to me.. it all has to do with validation and blame.. i've been playing city of villains all night and trying to process..

i was told today that i'm really quite articulate.. this was by jeff (therapist) and carmie (psychologist that watches the sessions).. i'd love to know why other people don't seem to understand me then.. i'm not exaggerating, it's like i'm speaking another language half the time and it makes me want to scream..

*pokes at the sore spot* it's like when my mother tells me i'm being compulsive or obsessive about something.. i fucking know when i am, i can feel it in my joints..

or do i really know?

one thing that has kept me holding on to the little shreds of sanity at times is the knowledge that my self awareness is much higher than your average crazy person.. now i doubt even that..

i've spent most of the last 4 or 5 days being paranoid.. is it any wonder it's so hard for me to get out of bed?

it also doesn't help that i've felt sick to my stomach for the better part of two weeks. the fact that i'm forcing myself to talk to a doctor about it is frightening.. i'm not sure what i'm going to do once i've started that ball rolling.. i have no problem getting a colonoscopy, it's the purge that i fear.. it's different than the one i did before and everyone i know that's done it has thrown up.. i'm also terrified of getting the barium meal aka the barium follow-through which is the one that looks at the stomach.. at least with the barium enema i didn't have anything in my stomach for my body to reject..

i hope the doc i'm going to see understands psychiatric illnesses.. maybe he can help me find a way to get through this.. being under sedation for 2 or 3 days will help i'm sure but i doubt anyone would do that.. it would be best if they could just knock me out for the whole time (purge plus procedure) and then i'll miraculously not get sick from the anasthetic..

why do these things have to be so difficult?

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  • 6 comments

[info]manoman

March 3 2006, 09:34:55 UTC 6 years ago

Are you drinking the two little bottles of stuff or the whole gallon? If you're drinking the two little bottles, drink them with ice cold ginger ale. It kills most of the taste. And smear your butt with vaseline or equivalent and it won't get so sore.

[info]beithe

March 18 2006, 22:27:37 UTC 6 years ago

i dunno what the test will end up being.. i really hope it's the two little bottles of fleet plus the dulcolax and not the large bottles.. the fleet one i've done and can handle.. i heard tho, that to get the colonoscopy you have to do the other one.

thank you for the vaseline tip!!!!! man, i wish someone had given me that tip last time.. i actually asked them for a topical anesthetic before the enema because i was so sore!

[info]manoman

March 18 2006, 22:41:44 UTC 6 years ago

I've had a lot of colonoscopies. Different doctors seem to advocate different prep procedures. The doctor I have been to for the last 2 has advocated the two little bottles and it has worked fine. I drank the two little bottles with ice cold ginger all and then took another glass of plain ice cold ginger ale. It really hides most the tast.

There are also some pills you can take now (my wife used them) and in between you drink a lot of water (or ginger ale). This worked great for her.

The third way is the gallon of stuff. This is horrible. I'd refuse to do it that way. The other two ways are so much better. Don't be afraid to refuse to do it this way.

All three ways work well for colonoscopies.

I found the last time it was really nothing to follow the procedure that uses the two little bottles (with ginger ale). And the actual procedure they did something that made me sleep so it was nothing.

Good luck.

[info]theladyskye

March 3 2006, 12:47:17 UTC 6 years ago

Sometimes I think life is difficult so we know we're alive. It seems when things get too good, too calm, we mistake it for a dream. Apparently we're not supposed to do that, or some such nonsense.

*hugs* If there is anything I can do, love, just let me know.

[info]catalytic

March 3 2006, 15:38:14 UTC 6 years ago

*lots of hugs*

[info]caiteag

March 3 2006, 16:54:50 UTC 6 years ago

Not sure what to say.. so I'll just send hugs... *snugglecuddlehugs* I love you, Juli.
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